Consider this a new mega-thread for your favourite VLR and general Valorant copypastas.

• Do not include repeats.

• Self-created pastas must be widespread enough by popular opinion (determined by upvotes).

• Linking an original pasta post is good, but not necessary.

• No obvious dog-whistles, hate speech etc.

• Replies are okay, however keep to a minimum to ensure readability.

You may easily refer to this list to take a pasta, or post to preserve one that you think is dying out. This is about maintaining history, and manifesting a digital legacy of this website.
Contributions appreciated.

Was on a call with saadhak rn, he burst into tears. It was the first time I've heard him crying in our 12 year long friendship. He told me that just before the walkouts, potter and a Riot admin went over to aspas' PC and changed a few settings, aspas checked his PC and found nothing. After the game aspas was emotionally hurt so just before getting up he opened vlr.gg to see the reactions here, but, what he saw was disgusting. The site took 15 seconds to load. Aspas quickly called saadhak and saadhak yelled, "Run the fucking speed test!". Aspas hurridly opened ookla speedtest and found out he played on 10% packet loss and 60ms ping. Then immediately an admin came and wiped their PC's data and smirked and whispered to Saadhak, "Leaf clears." and left. I'm completely heartbroken.

STATS

mwzera https://tracker.gg/valorant/profile/riot/VK%20mwzera%234324/overview?playlist=competitive&season=all
cNed https://tracker.gg/valorant/profile/riot/ACE%20cNed%23carry/overview?season=all
TenZ https://tracker.gg/valorant/profile/riot/SEN%20TenZ%230505/overview?playlist=competitive&season=all

DEATHMATCH STATS
mwzera - 86% win rate (thats the insaniest thing ive seen in a while)
cNed - stats not availiable
TenZ - 73% win rate

RANKED STATS
mwzera - 66.3% winrate (MVP of 95% of the matches) proof here https://imgur.com/StiJmpg
cNed - 53.5% winrate (MVP of 13% of the matches)
TenZ - 60.4% winrate (MVP of 15% of the matches)

can you take your time to appreciate how insane mwzera is? without a doubt the most talented player to ever touch the game

I'll try to explain briefly why I think he is the best player in the world
Despite his insane aim and movement
The best way to know if a player is a good duelist is RAZE. There is a BIG difference between a good duelist and a jett abuser
If he is a good duelist, he needs to be good with raze.

heat? not good with raze
aspas? not good with raze
xand? not good with raze
tenz? not good with raze
cned? not good with raze
scream? not good with raze
d3ffo? not good with raze
derke? not good with raze

Thats why I think he is undoubtely the best player in the world. If RIOT by any means decides to nerf jett and shift the meta we prolly not gonna even hear names like cned and tenz again :>
He is not killing 40+ per map because when he joined VK he was forced to play a different role because heat is already a main jett... and lets be honest, every single duelist nowadays gets 20+ kills per map because team and setups are basically built around you (even steel managed to get 20 kills with it https://www.vlr.gg/29398/sentinels-vs-100-thieves-champions-tour-north-america-stage-3-challengers-playoffs-gf/?game=46692&tab=overview)

I CALL RYAN 📞 THIS GUY 👨 IS MID BALL UP 🏀 I THINK 🤔 IM LIKE... FAM 😳 WHEN ARE YOU GONNA BE HOME 🏠 HES LIKE 😫 30 MINUTES 30 MINUTES 3️⃣ 0️⃣ IM CHILLIN RN 😎 IM LIKE 💅 COME HOME RIGHT NOW 😈 HES LIKE WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY 😕 IM LIKE 😳 YOU WANNA PLAY A MATCH 🔥 RING 📞 FOR IMT 👑 PLAY AGAINST T 1️⃣ IM COMING HOME RIGHT NOW. HE ZOOMED HOME, ZOOMED HOME, HOPS ON, TOP FRAGS. THAT BOY DIFFERENT.

i was having fun at the waterslide when suddenly i noticed a big shadow covering the entire pool i looked up and there i saw him, Ardiis. He was coming straight for me, he jumped into the pool and the velocity of the wave that followed knocked me unconcious.

When i woke up i was chained in a cold and dirty room and there he was, streaming the popular shooter game VALORANT on Twitch while talking to his chat, somehow he managed to say the word "bro" 254 times in just 3 sentences how is that even possible?? I quickly realised that the chains were actually made of chocolate, confused (and mainly hungry) i started licking and sucking them as fast as i could and managed to crawl out of the room -that i presumed was probably his mothers basement- while remaining unseen.

I searched around the house for an exit and i quickly found the front door. As soon as i exited the building i saw a horde of angry Brazilians holding blowtorches and pitchforks chanting at ardiis and calling him a racist and a loser. I didn't really care so i tried to get out of the scene as soon as possible but just as i was about to step out of the house, ardiis put his enormous hand on my shoulder and whispered with a soft and melodic tone in my ear "You're not going anywhere pumpkin pie" and "Daddy's gonna take care of this swifly". He stepped out of the house and suddenly yelled "WATCH THIS" as he flamboyantly dashed into the air and suddenly made 5 knives materialise around him. He used the knives to effortlessly tap every single brazilian in the area.

I was so afraid, blood was spilled everywhere. When it all was over ardiis looked in my direction and i knew that it was over, if they didnt stand a chance, then i wouldnt either, so i just gave up. Ardiis started walkingin my direction each step making the ground shake. When he got to me he just sat down on me saying that i got cold and he needed to warm me up. After a while he took me inside the smelly basement again and took his clothes off. He started smelling me and licking my ear, and then he suddenly got very embarrased and told me i can just leave.

Turns out that this was a huge misunderstanding, this whole time he thought that i was a chocolate egg and he wanted to eat me. The disappointment on his face when he realized the mistake he had done was palpable, a tangible testament to the depth of his sorrow.

we should not be focused on worldly things rather we should grab every chance to improve ourselves as a better human being for the benefit of mankind 🗿

Been seeing all of this Sacy stuff on vlr, and really, I just feel like everyone is missing the main point. I saw one of his streams a while back, I think he was duoing with Zekken? Might've been with someone else, but I remember watching him play Sova on icebox when suddenly and without warning, my mind went completely blank, and the only thought in my head was, "Could I fit Sacy's head inside my ass?"

Maybe it was just the comely sheen off his dome, but something about that shining bespectacled orb gave the deep, inescapable feeling that this world would be better off with that head firmly inserted into my rectum. Sexuality be damned this; this was a spiritual impulse! Like Abraham before the bush; like Moses on Mount Sinai; like Whoopi Goldberg holding the script for Sister Act 2, God has given me my task.

I called Gustavo, thinking this might be an unreasonable proposition, his candid response however, intrigued me: "yeah," he said, "but can we do it in the porch area of a local Starbucks?" I asked him why, and he told me that six other people had already asked to do this, and he had done those at Starbucks, and if he brought in a seventh he would get a free salted caramel latte. I asked if he could get me one too, but he said they're just for him.

Jett from valorant is so fucking sexy I can't begin to explain how tasty her ass would be. I mean all that jumping and movement would be one hell of a workout that would just substantialy colossalise her South Korean butt. I don't know man, just listening to the noises she makes when she updrafts can make me get off at least 14 times just from one voiceline. Whenever she pulls out her knives I can just imagine her on top of me, like the submissive male I am with her just cutting me open. Fuck, just the thought of her licking my blood and eating my organs just gives me the chills and makes me so horny. Please somebody make Jett in real life.

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A seven-year old boy challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to DFM, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

o7 hiroarky

"Never reveal the strats, which is literally 'anyone but me, go kill'" Bonkar, Art of War

i was sitting in my college class economics 202 when the teacher assigned a daunting group project. i have no friends so i had to join the remaining people in class. one of those remaining people was bonkar and i was distressed. i had heard the rumors about him doing 0 work and making the others do it and just using us for the grade, so i was not happy. but when we sat down to work on the project, he ascended into astral form and started conducting us and giving us every move to make. like clockwork, we began nailing the project together under bonkar’s lead. he did absolutely no work, yet he did all of the work through us. my economics professor said it was the best shit she’s ever seen, and asked how we even made a project like that. as i started to speak, bonkar wrapped his arms around me and slowly placed his hand over my mouth and softly whispered, “we don’t reveal our strats”

fools look at bonkars numbers and laugh, intellectuals recognize that his brain effectively makes every game a 6v5. when you play against guild, you aren't just competing against bonkar, you are competing against every tactician that came before him.

rumors say that he's studied every existing text of military strategy dating back to ancient rome and compartmentalized each aspect of warfare into his memory palace, which he freely roams during tournaments at a timescale of 1000 mental years translating to 1 second in reality.

"who is the best VALORANT player?" 🥇
WHAT? 🙀
what is it from yay?? ⁉️
he is currently UNSTOPPABLE 🙅‍♂️
he's just a consistent demon 📈
el DIABLO 👹
Hey guys its yay 🤠
and welcome to my course on optimal VALORANT training 🥶
I'm gonna be demonstrating now some angle clearing 📐
I'll slowly come around the corner as well 💯
making sure nobody's holding these off angles 🤩

Yashwatthama "yay" Yadav is an Indian professional Valorant player for NV, an American electrical sports ( e-sports) organisation. He is also known as El Diablo aka the demon because of his mafia connections in his hometown, Haryana.

Hey guys, it's Jimmy Lin, in this series I'm gonna walk you through attack on Pearl. Watch out for the stairs, clear this angle, you're gonna be able to fight this.

A true warrior needs no sword because he has no enemies.

valarante child 👨 👩 👧 👦 game 🎮 .... look 👀 to cartoon 🤡 grapfix to make 💘 kid 👦 player 🎮 🎚 🤣 happy 😄 😃 😀 like 👍🏿 children 👦 show 👀 .. valarante cartoon 🈂 world 🌎 with rainbow 🌈 unlike ☝ 🛑 counter 🤡 strike ✊ with dark 🌚 👀 corridorr and raelistic gun 🔫 .. valarante like 😄 playhouse ⚽ ⚾ 🏀 . valarant playor run 🏃 from csgo 💣 fear 😱 of dark 🌑 world 🌎 and realism 👌🏼

Fresh off the boat, from reddit, kid? heh I remember when I was just like you. Braindead. Lemme give you a tip so you can make it in this cyber sanctuary: never make jokes like that. It's survival of the fittest and you ain't gonna survive long on VLR by saying stupid jokes that your little hugbox reddit friends would upvote. This ain't reddit, kid. This is VLR. We have REAL intellectual discussion, something I don't think you're all that familiar with.

Dear Psion,
Your son Artemis got some habits, I hope you don't undermine them
Especially with all the girls that's hurt inside this climate
You a pedo, so you know how it feels to be in alignment
With emotion, hopin' a man can see you and not be blinded

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y0y

Yo he visto jugar a keznit, ni siquiera usa monitor. Visualiza el mapa en una representación detallada, completamente en su mente. Tiene un wallhack biológico; su percepción divina destaca a todos los enemigos a años luz. Sus ojos están cerrados mientras su mouse se desvía con gracia a través de la mesa, haciendo contracciones inmaculadas mientras pasa de una cabeza a otra. Las balas que escapan del cañón de su arma son quirúrgicas; cada uno haciendo un golpe mortal entre los ojos de su rival

Stellar is the most good looking valorant player ever. He is the only white boy in history to get it popping. Genetically he is a chad, on and off the server. Oh my god, talking about him gets me light headed. I just want to see my cute boy win.

i showed Valorant to a girl at work

She came into work and was talking with me, and I randomly blurted out "so do you play games?" and she said "ah.. nahh not really"

So the Valorant demons inside me told me 'say it, tell her'. So I couldn't resist and I said 'I play Tactical FPS, do you want to see?' She reluctantly said 'oh yeah sure I guess', so I quickly found an edit montage that I uploaded years ago, and she watched in horror.

Afterwards she was silent and said 'oh cool..!' and I didn't know what to say so I said 'yeah so that's me. Anyway I'll see you next week' and then I left work early to avoid having to explain myself

Hopefully by next time I see her she will have forgotten about my awkwardness completely

Looking for an e-kitten rank Iron-Gold (MAX)18+. Needs to be able to sleep call, and reassure me because I have trust issues. Need to have good meow because thats what gets me to play better. Also matching names, PFP's, and tags are a must. I'm a Radiant Peak, currently immo with money to spoil my egirl. I can also help you become a beast at val and demolish all your opponents. Applications are open. (Add me if you think you're a worthy contender.)

Huhh why are they even conducting these matches we all know Ge is going to win masters and champion this year. Literally they don't have brains they are wasting their money on these matches. Mark my words rossi will get 1000 frags in one single map only.you guys didn't see lightingfast how he plays in ranks he has 300 trackerscore out of 1000 you guys think anybody will stand a chance against our supremacy god lightingfast? If yes then you living in your own delusional bubble. Touch some grass then you'll know

The date is the 22nd of October, the day of Valorant Champions 2028. Yay has retired, Jingg has completed his military service and the venue is set to be in Seoul, South Korea. However, the stream has been delayed since VCT Pacific 2024 Kickoff due to a tech pause that has lasted 4 years, 5 months and 18 hours. The result of T1 vs BLEED must be determined before Champions 2028 can continue. The scoreline is 12-12 in the first map of a 3 game series.

Sources are confirming popular VALORANT streamer Spencer "Hiko" Martin has been arrested in Guatemala. The 56 year old's reason for this arrest has yet to be announced. Martin is currently being held in The Preventive Detention Center for Men in zone 18. Some speculate that this could be related to Martin's 2018 kidnapping and racketeering incident in Honduras. Sources have stated this this is related to Martin's ties with the gang "MS-13". That's all the info we have as of now.

Hey Sen City, big fucking changes, huh? Well guess fucking what? We're making more fucking roster changes for the 4th fucking time this season! While you may have no fucking reason to believe that roster changes are going to fix this fucking team after the last 3 fucking times it didn't work, please just fucking trust us this fucking time! Sure, we may lack an experienced fucking IGL, poor Zekken who was lead to fucking believe that he would spend the fucking split with 2 of his former XSET boys is now on his fucking own, we may have fucking failed to explain to our own fans as to why we parted ways with our incredibly experienced fucking coach, Syyko, but this is the fucking team the fans fucking want. Go Sentinels!

Oh my god is that a motherfucking geometry dash reference? Holy shit they finally made a reference about my favorite game called geometry dash. Last time someone was having depression and i said "conical depression." Because conical depression is a gd level and my mom became furious get it? Because it is a gd reference. Did someone just said tartarus mythology?1 That is like the hardest demon in my favorite game called geometry dash, i also someone was having a cold sweat recently and i said it's a gd reference, i got kicked out but at least i said "Oh my god, is that a motherfucking geometry dash reference?!" Also someone on twitter posted about their zodiac sign and I said "Zodiac?! That's a gd level." And i got blocked by them, but at least it's worth it because i said it's a gd reference. Also, one time i saw a snake owner crying from agony because he saw his snake eating himself which is hilarious because it means ouroboros which is a gd level by a top creator named viprin, and the snake owner kicked me out of his house but it was worth it because it's a gd reference. Someone just posted on Twitter saying "We are having a sunset sandstorm on our house pls help us, we're literally gonna be suffocated on the sand." And I said, "Oh my god, is that a motherfucking geometry dash reference?!" And i got blocked by crohn44 because I said it's a gd reference. Yesterday, my mom said, "I'm gonna decode something." And I said, "Oh my god is that a motherfucking geometry dash reference?!" And I got beaten with a belt by my mom, but at least it was worth it because it's a gd reference.

i was having fun at the waterslide when suddenly i noticed a big shadow covering the entire pool i looked up and there i saw him, Ardiis. He was coming straight for me, he jumped into the pool and the velocity of the wave that followed knocked me unconcious.

When i woke up i was chained in a cold and dirty room and there he was, streaming the popular shooter game VALORANT on Twitch while talking to his chat, somehow he managed to say the word "bro" 254 times in just 3 sentences how is that even possible?? I quickly realised that the chains were actually made of chocolate, confused (and mainly hungry) i started licking and sucking them as fast as i could and managed to crawl out of the room -that i presumed was probably his mothers basement- while remaining unseen.

I searched around the house for an exit and i quickly found the front door. As soon as i exited the building i saw a horde of angry Brazilians holding blowtorches and pitchforks chanting at ardiis and calling him a racist and a loser. I didn't really care so i tried to get out of the scene as soon as possible but just as i was about to step out of the house, ardiis put his enormous hand on my shoulder and whispered with a soft and melodic tone in my ear "You're not going anywhere pumpkin pie" and "Daddy's gonna take care of this swifly". He stepped out of the house and suddenly yelled "WATCH THIS" as he flamboyantly dashed into the air and suddenly made 5 knives materialise around him. He used the knives to effortlessly tap every single brazilian in the area.

I was so afraid, blood was spilled everywhere. When it all was over ardiis looked in my direction and i knew that it was over, if they didnt stand a chance, then i wouldnt either, so i just gave up. Ardiis started walking
in my direction each step making the ground shake. When he got to me he just sat down on me saying that i got cold and he needed to warm me up. After a while he took me inside the smelly basement again and took his clothes off. He started smelling me and licking my ear, and then he suddenly got very embarrased and told me i can just leave.

Turns out that this was a huge misunderstanding, this whole time he thought that i was a chocolate egg and he wanted to eat me. The disappointment on his face when he realized the mistake he had done was palpable, a tangible testament to the depth of his sorrow.

FNS has passed away from old age

Thousands come to his funeral to honor him

Saadhak shows up in a wheelchair to pay respects to his old rival

The funeral attendant tells Saadhak to open the casket to say goodbye

He opens the casket but only a note is left

"I'm not dead. I rotated B. Get owned."

Saadhak yells at Aspas to go grab his Operator

In an unexpected turn of events, Professional Valorant player Lev Tex was recently spotted in the company of two Colombian individuals, sparking a whirlwind of speculation and intrigue. The trio was seen enjoying a night out on the town, fueling rumors about Tex's diverse social circles.

Later, in a surprising twist, the Colombian companions reportedly made remarks about Tex's anatomy, claiming he possesses a substantial physical endowment. While the authenticity of these statements remains unverified, the comments have ignited a frenzy of attention on social media, with netizens sharing their own takes on the unusual turn of events. Stay tuned as the story continues to unfold, blurring the lines between celebrity gossip and reality.

We LITERALLY Don’t Know

How badly BiliBili still clears FNS.
It has been 332 Days since either of them have attended an international event. Since the double time 2-0 against America's largest cranium.

What is worse, is that due to the non-quals of NRG, we simply cannot even rate them higher than any VCT China team, as they have yet to prove themselves against a Chinese team.
I have a solution.

Deprive the NRG players of their chef. Remove them from the castle. Drop them in the Fengshui woodland of a tiny village. Refrain from making Sam and Victor guide them (Crashies would try). Learn the ways of the BiliBiler on the one XiaoMi phone they have been provided.

However, to facilitate this, they must train in order to properly acclimate to the environment.

Get ready to learn Chinese, FNS.

Hello everyone,
I've been noticing for a quite a while now that someone is down fragging on literally all of my comments. If you're one of them come out now and accept it, I promise I won't leak your ip address or sell your data online. I just want to know why you are doing this. You downvoting me has caused a lot of stress to me for a couple of days now since users generally don't want to read a down fragged comment. So I hope you speak up and help a random stranger to relieve their stress.

Thank you.

Allow me to reiterate something for you: Attacking Soul Electronic Sport's prized flex player, Zhang Juncheng, is not to be trifled with. Better known as hfmi0dzjc9z7, Zhang Juncheng is a uniquely flexible player, going between any role in the book with ease. Their last bout with EDG, though ending in a tragic 0-3 loss, was only made mildly competitive by hfmi0dzjc9z7's heroics. From Sage, to Raze, to Sova; this man looks to have mastered the game to a level only comparable to T1 Faker in Riot Game's flagship title, League of Legends. To discredit this group as "free", "easy", or "lucky" for DRX is to vastly underestimate the oriental impact of hfmi0dzjc9z7 and friends can have. Constantly viewed as weaker due to their constant losses in China, they are quite frankly mischaracterized. In fact, the Chinese scene is SUCH a strong system, that the competition that hfmi0dzjc9z7 and co have honed their skills against is wildly superior to franchised teams, I believe DRX will withdraw from the tournament after encountering the force that is hfmi0dzjc9z7. Go and have your fun. It will end soon enough: 11 days time, to be exact.

Its 2022. Gamelanders versus FaZe at champions. Mwzera walks on to the stage, to thunderous applause. Unquestionably the best raze in the world. The FaZe players sit down across from him, and one of them is trying to tell him something. He barely makes out babybay telling him, "check your phone". His heart drops. Could it be? He gets a notification from his phone. Its the security camera, catching babybay leaving his mother's house. In despair, he checks the time. 7:01 AM.

Fresh off the boat, from reddit, kid? heh I remember when I was just like you. Braindead. Lemme give you a tip so you can make it in this cyber sanctuary: never make jokes like that. It's survival of the fittest and you ain't gonna survive long on VLR by saying stupid jokes that your little hugbox reddit friends would upvote. This ain't reddit, kid. This is VLR. We have REAL intellectual discussion, something I don't think you're all that familiar with.

Qiangjiang Cultivation Kingdom (qck) is a Chinese agricultural collective located in the south-central Hubei Province. QCK is known for its extreme success in cultivating frost peas XL (FPX) and the pride of the Chinese agricultural industry, Elegant Dragon gourds (EDG), particularly in the early growing season. Unfortunately, qck's previous success was stunted by two consecutive waves of plant diseases. Its third crop was decimated by a bout of stunted enation necrosis (SEN), while its fourth crop was infected by Powdery Rust Xanthomas (PRX). Such bad luck has only continued into the current harvest split.

The loss of the region's previous star crop, Aspasragus, has proven disastrous for qck and its larger shipping conglomerate, Liaoyang Overseas Urban Docking (LOUD). Shanghai investors have started withdrawing their support, reallocating it to other regional investment instruments, including Korean Retail Units (KRU).

I like this classic one:
''Shut the FUCK up''

Hey, I live in Tel Aviv and I can't seem to get good internet. I tried restarting my game, but I keep getting huge packet loss. Is anyone else in ME having similar issues?

babysasuke
where are you?

They will actively claim as much shit as they can like they're all one big family. Americas fans actively pray for their own region's teams to fail except theirs because the region is way more competitive and ppl have teams they actually care for and love. EMEA frogs on the other hand will pray to god that whatever strong team they have in the league will win an international title so they can dick ride them and gloat that theyre the best region despite the fact that they know jack shit about any of the players that won shit at all.

SEN fans shit talk NRG, NRG fans will promise you that no other NA team can match them, FURIA has beef with LOUD, every NA team alive laughs at C9, like there's actual rivalries between these teams with ACTUAL fans supporting them, meanwhile little Jimmy from Poland is endlessly glazing Leo as the best player of all time without even knowing what country he's fucking playing for lol.

These desperate nerds made the entirety of EMEA a family to jack off to and that's sad af. You will never catch someone with a 100T flair sucking Zekken's cock after one of his matches for a reason. Mfs out here repping FUT flairs talking about how pitch perfect 2023 FNC was like holy shit LMAO.

You're a disgusting little man. Look at you. You fucking FREAK. Really unfortunate circumstances from me, I guess. I've concluded that my Raze has an autoimmune deficiency that makes him allergic to planting the bomb, my Jett is either blind, deaf, or the best Helen Keller impersonator I've ever seen, AND DO NOT LET ME FORGET ABOUT MY PHOENIX AND SAGE THAT ARE HITTING ON EACH OTHER INSTEAD OF COMMUNICATING. with the 500 pounds between them I honestly have better odds holding C site at the local zoo because all I can hear are these 2 seals FUCKING BARK. and another thing, how in gods name ANY OF YOU, IF NOT ALL, EVER GOT TO HIGH PLAT LOW DIAMOND ELO. do you people DRIVE? i am scared to coexist with a group of people SO FUCKING STUPID. i just hope none of you are religious because I've been praying to the 4 gods that I currently think of to smite your piece of GARBAGE existence back down to bronze 3. have a terrible rest of your day, amen!

You know, I know. We all know that NRG lost to BLG on group stage. Well, truth to be told, and Ardiis if you're here, let's come clean now, enough of hiding the hard cold truth to everyone especially the fans. The reason why NRG lost is because of Ardiis. Why? Well look at this photo, https://twitter.com/Demon1___/status/1696216303319883910?s=19 it's Demon1 standing on the desk right? Well if NRG actually tried; they would win Champs 2023 easily. So if that is the case then Ardiis would be the one standing on top of the desk, but unlike Demon1, Ardiis is not as light as he is and would fall and embarrass himself because he was too heavy, the desk would not be able to support ardiis and would fall and break the desk. Everyone in LA would laugh including famous celebrities such as Elon Musk, Ben Affleck and Tyson Ngo; an embarrassment infront of this kind of a crowd is too embarrassing and would cause Ardiis to get dropped. I knew all of this so I'd already warn Ardiis and NRG about this so they intentionally lost to BLG twice for Ardiis' sake. He also gave me a thank you note that says "Bro, thank you bro, bro I appreciate you so much bro for doing this bro, you saved my life bro, you are my hero bro."

Once or maybe 1 000 000 000 times there was a boy called Ben. Ben had a dog that he had dressed up in an alpaca suit and then he had eaten it. Then all of a sudden Australia floated down up into the sky and then all the computers went feral and started eating cheese. They and ate and ate and ate and ate and then they all blew up. Then Ben sneezed and the world blew up and the Adam Sandler used his remote to rewind time to the age of dinosaurs and he got eaten up by a piece of dirt. The piece of dirt then used the remote to go back to the present day where all the fish were trying to protest so they could go to school and become institutionalised young piranhas who ate all the people who weren’t tree huggers and then they hugged the tree huggers. Soon all the tree huggers got shotguns and blew up themselves and the piranhas. Unlickily or maybe just a tiny bit luckily there was one piranha left that looked like this: (but the fish had a face lift so it looked like this: Then Ben went to the park and ate pizza that was falling from the ground and then he saw retarded monkeys saying things like “gurgle gurgle flippity gloo cobble wobble shingy shong”. Ben got thirsty and hungry so he bought heaps of coke and slabs of chocolate from Idiotic Green Antelopes (I.G.A.). Then Ben went sugar high and chopped off his head so he could go to level 7 at Princess Margaret Hospital in Western Australia. The End!

This is the second paragraph. Please take your time reading because there is a very funny joke in it. After painstaking surgery, Ben was as good as new. Ben went to a penguin suit shop and bought a penguin suit. Then he went to a pet shop and bought two Siamese fighting fish who were mauling each other. Soon one got killed and the victor called Victor said “Hooray I won so I will have an extreme makeover so I can look like this: {!” But then the dead fish called Dead Fish said “Then I want to have a makeover so I can look like this: (!”Then Ben downloaded pirated music onto his I-pod and went to jail. Then his Siamese fighting fish bashed up all the guards in the jail and Ben could go home. Suddenly the world crashed into Venus which crashed into Mercury which crashed into the sun and made the whole multi-verse explode.

Hey guys, did you know that in terms of male human and female Pokémon breeding, Vaporeon is the most compatible Pokémon for humans? Not only are they in the field egg group, which is mostly comprised of mammals, Vaporeon are an average of 3”03’ tall and 63.9 pounds, this means they’re large enough to be able handle human dicks, and with their impressive Base Stats for HP and access to Acid Armor, you can be rough with one. Due to their mostly water based biology, there’s no doubt in my mind that an aroused Vaporeon would be incredibly wet, so wet that you could easily have sex with one for hours without getting sore. They can also learn the moves Attract, Baby-Doll Eyes, Captivate, Charm, and Tail Whip, along with not having fur to hide nipples, so it’d be incredibly easy for one to get you in the mood. With their abilities Water Absorb and Hydration, they can easily recover from fatigue with enough water. No other Pokémon comes close to this level of compatibility. Also, fun fact, if you pull out enough, you can make your Vaporeon turn white. Vaporeon is literally built for human dick. Ungodly defense stat+high HP pool+Acid Armor means it can take cock all day, all shapes and sizes and still come for more

I really want to play ranked valorant with my crush, but shes only at 15, while I just got to 20. Does anyone else know how to level up accounts faster so she can reach level 20 with me and we can play ranked? Any help is appreciated. Thanks!

During round 16 of the Cloud 9 vs KRU match, you said “gravitas of the situation”, in err of “gravity of the situation” in reference to a KRU player’s face camera.

I can forgive this error, but it is imperative that you take the time between games to improve your diction, utilization of language, and ultimately accuracy during casts. It takes me out of the immersion of a match when I have to hear such grating gaffs. Maybe you can learn from babybay? He is extremely eloquent and verbose.

Please get this message to Doug, he deserves the opportunity to improve, and that is only given through robust criticism.

Edit for kindness: I find your work to be a noble pursuit. I appreciate all that casters do, I only hope that you may all continue to improve.

Double Edit for Turkey: Connotation and convention are the issue here. Please do not try to use a dictionary definition as a defence. Thank you.

As his 2024 season comes to a close, we will deeply miss seeing Rb's electrifying plays and unmatched skill on the VALORANT stage this year. His precise aim, strategic brilliance, and charismatic presence have left an indelible mark on the esports community. Though his absence will be felt, our anticipation for his return is even greater. We can't wait to watch him rise to new heights and become a champion next year, continuing to inspire and amaze fans around the world. In honor of this occasion I submit a poem to summarize how we, the community, feel about our GOAT: Rb.

In the realm of VALORANT, where legends compete,
Stands a player unmatched, with victories replete.
Goo Sang-Min, known as Rb, the best of the best,
In skills, looks, and riches, he outshines the rest.

With aim so precise and strategies grand,
He conquers each game with a steady hand.
The goodest of players, in heart and in mind,
A true paragon, one of a kind.

His handsomeness dazzles, a sight to behold,
With charm and charisma, his story is told.
The richest in talent, the wealthiest in grace,
In every endeavor, he sets the pace.

A leader, a friend, and a hero so true,
In the world of VALORANT, there’s none quite like you.
Rb, you’re the greatest, a shining bright star,
In our hearts and our games, you’re never far.

its not 'charlis sister'. its dixie
its not 'clown'. its avani
its not 'cheater'. its nessa
its not 'whale'. its addison
its not 'skin and bone'. its my queen, Charli Grace D'amelio
and its not 'y0y'. its Jaccob 'Yay' Whittaker 👑

Today when I walk I saw like outside and like I realize that outside is a lot like valorant. When i go through door to go walk outside it like remind me valorant because i know door from double door i wonder whether it was wallbangable then i go further and i realize the wind is like jett who is my favorite agent in the game and she is wind power so yeah real outside is remind me of valorant i hope i can rank up irl too so i can move out of my small home and leave my sad life behind

I'm often playing ranked and swiftplay with a specific friend who is a female, but recently I've developed an affection towards her and it's really starting to impact my gameplay performance due to me having so many thoughts of her. Can you blame me for having such thoughts though? I can tell she is a very beautiful girl in real life based on the position of her text, her discord anime profile picture, and her virtual username. I'm looking to confess my love to her, and we both get in a serious edating relationship, but I want to take things slow, maybe buy her the evori dreams bundle, and then start calling her silly names like "cupcake" and "pookie". Am I thinking too much into this?

I fell to my knees as the doctor told me my diagnosis. Severe color blindness would cut my aspirations to become a pilot short.

As I walked home, I looked up to see Marteen flying towards me with a shorty. He asked me “what color is it?”. I felt my hope restored as I knew. Bleu.

"Your aim is insane." Xeppaa said, as he slipped his feminine hand into FNS's pants and smirked. "Are you trying to spray me?" protests FNS, as Xeppaa blushes, the boyish figure undressed before FNS. "Weak ass eco play, Xeppaa." The two kissed, deeply and passionately, and afterwards Xeppaa used Wingman to plant his spike into FNS's open bombsite.

Why is no one replying to this? I worked so hard, I put my blood and sweat into this shitpost just to see it slowing going lower and lower in the recent discussions, what Have I done to deserve this?

Take a deep breath. Look outside your window.

Breathe out.

Be normal.

ive honestly never been this happy in a long time like im still smiling like 5 hours later. I hate SEN with every fiber of my being and it felt like ecstasy hit me like a bullet in between my sparkling ass eyeballs watching them get 2-0'd. they dont play real valorant, that gameplay is not real valorant like it has no class, and yet they get all the fans that are annoying and happy and i tried to be the bigger person and keep this all in but i cant bro im so happy rn.

i genuinely love you guys on GenG shoutout the goat meteor btw you deserve everything good that'll happen in your life i promise you bro your family raised you right. shoutout munchkin for the goated calling, shoutout t3xture for keeping it real, shoutout lakia for that sova ascent clutch that shit was beautiful, real lakia of valorant stuff, and shoutout karon for being picked from ranked because i fw that bro i love ranked u guys are geniuses up there i swear. I love this team so much man. i love u geng so much im geng for life now

https://x.com/ScrewFaceVAL/status/1819096035450298751

It’s another day in the lecture hall for the Monday 9am class. Aaron, who overslept due to partying too hard at the Pi Rho Chi frat party, stumbles into class heavily hungover. He realizes the last one to arrive in class. In the back row of seats, he sees David, leaning back and sleeping like he does in every class. In the row right in front of David, he sees Jason and JJ, telling jokes and giggling hysterically like no one else existed in class. Alecks, the most studious one of the class, is sitting next to them. He seems to find the duo obnoxious as he is fuming and slamming the desk in order to quiet them down.

Ilya, the Russian international student, smiled and waved at Aaron as he trudged to the seat next to him. “Someone partied too hard” Ilya chirped. Aaron grumbled something along the lines of “shut up” and picked up the graded essay passed out by the TA Valyn. “An F? Really? No way!” exclaims Aaron in disbelief. The TA just smirks and walks away.

Suddenly, bells can be heard from the distance, signaling that it was 9 o’clock. At that exact moment, the door flies open and with much elegance the lecturer strolls in. The lecture hall falls silent as Professor P claps his hands and exclaims, “All right students, class in session.”

You are all now subject to VLR Goomana scoring.

I will track total Goomanas gained/lost in excel.

Goomana audits will occur publicly, shaming is encouraged for low VLR Goomana.

FNS has passed away from old age

Thousands come to his funeral to honor him

Saadhak shows up in a wheelchair to pay respects to his old rival

The funeral attendant tells Saadhak to open the casket to say goodbye

He opens the casket but only a note is left

"I'm not dead. I rotated B. Get owned."

Saadhak yells at Aspas to go grab his Operator

Hey guys huge Pacific fan here. Just landed in Seoul and can’t wait to see my Pacific goats destroying everybody. I was just looking at the schedule and couldn’t see any Pacific teams matches listed. Is this a mistake from VLR? I’ll be honest I didn’t even bother watching playoffs cause at least one of them would make it to the INSPIRE Arena

As an European it was always hard for me to understand American culture. What was fascinating for me is that they like bragging about their freedom which was weird for me, because I didn't think that I have any less freedom than them. I always thought 'What is the difference'. However after this game I finally understand it. NA is just so fucking free.