Look man I just need you to know that you're not alone. I would suggest you discuss this with a professional and understand the root cause of your sadness, before you do anything in life you need to understand yourself. Your goals, motivations, feelings, reasons, anything and everything; shits not easy by any means but thats why you've got many people here trying to help you out and professionals that studied for years for a degree so that they could help you and all of us. For me, I have suicidal thoughts here and there and what helped me was like an understanding, though not created by me probably lol, what I wanted to kill wasn't me, but rather a part of my life. I hated something about my life that pressed me, and once I understood this, I changed and realized that I need to eliminate it, or handle it as such it doesn't worry me moving forward. Just know man, I don't know if you'll read this, I hope you don't even need to and you're just having a great time doing something, but always remember that you're not alone, others have gone through this and just like you, they'll come out just fine. Sorry for the rant