Hello, I am a psychiatrist (30 M), and my wife (31 F) is a real estate agent. Essentially, the story begins with a new client of mine... and hers. They turned my life into hell.
It all started when they walked through my office door. A man (26 M) who had booked an appointment months back, ran in screaming in what I could only glean to be joy, but that quickly changed as I noticed his eyes. Bloodshot and a shinier glaze than his bald head's immaculate sheen. He told me he was moving to America, as he had a new job opportunity. I simply asked why he came to me in response. He said "I am missing my friends in Brazil."
Okay, I start to establish a diagnosis in my mind, the onset of mania due to his sudden lifestyle change. Trying to engage with him further, I ask what he did for a living, as his move was prompted by a job opportunity after all. He said "I shoot heads, usually only in 2 on 1's". Panic button immediately pressed. The police come and he immediately starts laughing asking what I was so "afraid for." My life? Clearly this man was not stable. As the police started to gather a picture of what was happening, we were blinded by a sort of flashbang, I'm unsure at this point whether he had thrown one, but I heard a woman's voice in that instance and a screeching of a bird of paradise. Maybe I should have checked myself in with a colleague...
When we opened our eyes, the man was gone. I provided whatever I had in terms of the partial medical history I had gained through requisition from Brazil. Then, my wife (beautiful and heavily pregnant) had a showing later that very day. Since I don't use a cellular device on account of the 5G waves and what not, I would have to wait to tell her of my relatively traumatic day. Pacing in my office, pathologizing what had just occurred, all while my wife's client pulled into the driveway of the home being shown. Out emerges a man, of similar build and description, still with bulging, burgeoning eyes, and I wide grin. He giggles saying something she assumed to be the minions language, but turns out to have been Portuguese. She giggles back saying "Bapoy" to which he stared at her with a questioning face. His expression turned rapt quickly, probably instantly enamored by her heavenly expectant form. Rather than entering the place, he pulled out a BOW AND ARROW, and simply shot it right passed my wife's head. The arrow emitted a blueish light for several seconds and he told her that he wanted to see a different place. My wife just ran to her car and booked it home. However, in her rearview, she was being followed by only what she could describe as a Chupacabra, but a greenish earthy hue. When she arrived home, there was the man. He shot the same arrow, and said he "loved the place". He moved himself in.
When we told the police about it later, they said he had squatter's rights. We can't do anything, but we noticed several Asian men entering from our stake outs. One fine young white gentlemen entered as well, but when we approached him he said "AY, Someone wants Zaddy's Madrid diff" and he started moving his behind in an enchanting routine, reminiscent of the ethiope's dances I had seen on my expeditions.
We are completely up in arms. Professionally, I believe him and all of his compatriots to be deranged. Later on, there seemed to have been a breakthrough. It seems they've vacated to go to Korea. The international police have been notified, and I'm sure they will find them at the Nearest Airport. I of course, will not move back in and will sleep in my office while my wife stays with her boyfriend.
What should I do when they inevitably return still lusting for blood. I assume they won't adequately complete their hit mission in Korea, on account of their deranged nature. Any advice helps!
EDIT: THANKS FOR THE UPDOOTS AND GOLD!
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