erasing this because I dont feel like its healthy to talk about on vlr, hopefully this is the last this will ever come up
you should really see a psychologist/psychiatrist
slightly unrelated but it might interest you: I know a show with a really good portrayal of pibolar disorder (or so I've been told) it's slightly on the more extreme end in terms of the characters condition, and its also just a good show in general so you might like it, its called homeland