Goats slowly and Scales gonna mog everyone and run all the way to Champs finals through the sheer power of Tyglue whimsy

Elite

Bro was him in 2024 when the only 2 sentis people played were Cypher and Killjoy + he can play Viper, but his Vyse and Deadlock are ass and I'd imagine his primary smokes would be similarly ass

L take not picking ANGE1 for the agenda tho

Never cook again

paTiTek also valid cuz he has once worn a TH jersey

Brother WHAT is this

Only valid shout is SUYGETSU and Minny and even then highly debatable

RieNs
valyn
Sayonara
SimonD4rk
Meteor

I mean I don't really think Americas have any solid teams to send in their 3rd and 4th slots and the only hope for China sending an overall strong 4 is if EDG and Wolves get the points slots and get revived with time off into their peak forms

Then with Pacific I am incredibly suspect of RRQ. DRX and Talon on the international stage and idk if T1 will be back to their peak by the time Champs rolls around

Liquid FNC and TH are a strong top 3 for EMEA but if the 4th seed ends up being Vitality I think they'll shit the bed a bit. Hoping BBL takes the 4th slot cuz I think they have the best shot on the international stage out of the remaining EMEA teams

I will delude myself into picking RieNs for the agenda

Honestly I full trolled the China roster

Better option in terms of current form would probably be whzy happywei NoMan nobody and Spring

EMEA

Derke - Duelist
nAts - Senti IGL
Keiko - Smokes
RieNs - Initiator
Wo0t - Flex

Americas

valyn - Smokes IGL
trent - Initiator
JonahP - Flex
aspas - Duelist
Less - Sentinel

China

Zmjjkk - Duelist
CHICHOO - Sentinel
nobody - Initiator IGL
Spring - Smokes
Yuicaw - Flex

Pacific

Meteor - Sentinel
Jinggg - Duelist
f0rsakeN - Flex IGL
Monyet - Controller
PatMen - Initiator

Did I cook?

PRX, RRQ, T1, G2, SEN, XLG and BLG (plus one of Talon or DRX) I'm pretty sure are all auto qualified so for the rest of the teams I'm hoping are

From EMEA Heretics, Liquid and FNC have consistently been the best teams since Stage 1, and then I'm hoping BBL make it just cuz I like the team and they have the best chance of overtaking Vitality who I'm desperate not to make it

Then Americas I want KRU for the sake of tradition and then either LEV or 100T

And the last 2 China teams I want are Wolves (who can still make it off of Champs points and I'm fuckin praying with the time off they can return to Toronto form) and Tyloo cuz it'd be funny for them to make it over EDG

So I realise making a stats thread 2 days before the group stage ended was stupid so here's the updated version after the groups stage is done

Controller

1. TL Keiko - 1.21
2. NAVI Ruxic - 1.21
3. KC SUYGETSU - 1.17
4. BBL PROFEK - 1.09
5. FUT cNed - 1.05
6. GX grubinho - 1.05
7. KOI baddyG - 0.99
8. TH Boo - 0.94
9. VIT Kicks - 0.90
10. M8 Proxh - 0.85
11. FNC Boaster - 0.84
12. APK AvovA - 0.83

Average rating for Controller players (rounded up) - 1.01

Duelist

1. VIT Derke - 1.15
2. FNC kaajak - 1.14
3. BBL LewN - 1.07
4. TH MiniBoo - 1.07
5. KC marteen - 1.06
6. NAVI alexiiik - 1.06
7. TL kamo - 1.02 (blud went from 3rd to 7th in one game)
8. M8 Comeback - 1.00
9. APK penny - 0.99
10. GX ara - 0.94
11. FUT xeus - 0.89
12. KOI Filu - 0.85

Average rating for Duelist players (rounded up) - 1.02

Initiator

1. TH RieNs - 1.23
2. FNC crashies - 1.09
3. TL trexx - 1.09
4. BBL Jamppi - 1.03
5. M8 Veqaj - 0.98
6. FUT qRaxs - 0.95
7. NAVI Shao - 0.93
8. APK MOLSI - 0.93
9. GX Cloud - 0.91
10. VIT UNFAKE - 0.90
11. KOI flyuh - 0.88
12. KC saadhak - 0.85

Average rating for Initiator players (rounded up) - 0.98

Sentinel

1. VIT Less - 1.16
2. NAVI hiro - 1.14
3. TL nAts - 1.14
4. FNC Alfajer - 1.11
5. BBL MAGNUM - 1.04
6. FUT yetujey - 1.03
7. M8 Minny - 1.01
8. TH benjyfishy - 1.00
9. GX westside - 0.99
10. KC Elite - 0.99
11. KOI MONSTEERR - 0.98
12. APK OLIZERA - 0.92

Average rating for Sentinel players (rounded up) - 1.04

Flex

1. TH Wo0t - 1.21
2. KC Avez - 1.11
3. M8 kamyk - 0.98
4. TL paTiTek - 0.98
5. BBL sociablEE - 0.95
6. GX Flickless - 0.93
7. VIT KovaQ - 0.92
8. FNC Chronicle - 0.89
9. FUT MrFaliN - 0.88
10. APK batujnax - 0.86
11. KOI nataNk - 0.85
12. NAVI ANGE1 - 0.84

Average rating for Flex players (rounded up) - 0.95

Average player rating for each team rounded to 3 digits

1. Team Heretics - 1.09
2. Team Liquid - 1.09
3. NAVI - 1.04
4. BBL - 1.04
5. Karmine Corp - 1.04
6. FNATIC - 1.02
7. Team Vitality - 1.01
8. FUT - 0.96
9. Giant X - 0.96
10. Gentles Mates - 0.96
11. KOI - 0.91
12. APEKS - 0.91

o7 for the greatest thread of all time

You owe me an hour of my life back you bastard

I hate you

Mfs somehow ordered a delivery online after we'd already closed and scheduled it to get picked up 45 fucking minutes after we were supposed to close, then after the Uber eats driver was fuckin 10 minutes late on top of that they cancelled the order

Fuck you. I hate you random person

You're already mathematically relegated and are probably pulling out of Valorant entirely, so just drag the Falcons of Valorant down with you and deny them a spot at Paris it'd be so fucking funny

I get a free pizza every shift at my work so I always have that

If I could choose tho I would absolutely have a Greggs sausage roll if it was open past 6pm

People in modern society tend to put their own personal comfort and consumption above any sort of moral principle and will pretty much become complacent in anything

It's sad and pretty much gives big corporations a free pass to do whatever the fuck they want as long as their influence is widespread enough to be part of someone's daily life

Bro needed to tag ts [SERIOUS] we are cooked

No but fr they hated Jesus because he told them the truth

Nah trust bro this time we don't flop in finals

Wo0t starts mewing and develops a jawline mid game to intimidate FNATIC with his sheer aura, throwing off kaajak's mental and causing him to drop 3-17 whilst MiniBoo is inspired by Wo0t's looksmaxxing and drops a 1.63 rating on perma Yoru, benjy just manages to clinch a 1.00 rating by catching Boaster with smokes in hand on his lurks 12 rounds in a row, RieNs plays an average RieNs game and Boo is a bot unless he's in a clutch scenario at which point he turns into prime yay mixed with prime aspas and prime Alfajer

I have seen the future

Jb
Emplyment

The Black Parade gotta be up there

To see my goats win 2-0 13-3 on last map

Soyfacing rn

E-XOLOS LAZER gonna mog NV so hard in Ascension finals

Everyone knows EWC was a Mickey Mouse

Bigger ragebait is Poo and MiniPoo or 5 VCT finals

All of TL kinda goated no

Only player not in top 3 of their role is paTiTek

Balanced out by having 2 #12 players

Controller

1. TL Keiko (kinda) - 1.31
2. NAVI Ruxic - 1.21
3. FUT cNed (kinda) - 1.11
4. KC SUYGETSU - 1.11
5. BBL PROFEK - 1.11
6. GX grubinho - 1.07
7. KOI baddyG - 0.99
8. TH Boo - 0.91
9. M8 Proxh - 0.86
10. FNC Boaster - 0.84
11. APK AvovA - 0.83
12. VIT Kicks (kinda) - 0.83

Average rating for Controller players - 1.015

Duelist

1. VIT Derke - 1.16
2. FNC kaajak - 1.14
3. TL kamo - 1.10
4. NAVI alexiiik - 1.06
5. BBL LewN - 1.05
6. TH MiniBoo - 1.01
7. KC marteen - 1.00
8. GX ara - 1.00
9. M8 Comeback - 0.99
10. APK penny - 0.99
11. FUT xeus - 0.89
12. KOI Filu - 0.85

Average rating for Duelist players - 1.02

Initiator

1. TH RieNs - 1.16
2. FNC crashies - 1.09
3. TL trexx - 1.09
4. M8 Veqaj - 1.03
5. BBL Jamppi - 0.98
6. FUT qRaxs - 0.96
7. NAVI Shao - 0.93
8. APK MOLSI - 0.93
9. GX Cloud - 0.93
10. KOI flyuh - 0.88
11. KC saadhak - 0.84
12. VIT UNFAKE - 0.82

Average rating for Initiator players - 0.97

Sentinel

1. VIT Less - 1.21
2. TL nAts - 1.16
3. NAVI hiro - 1.14
4. FNC Alfajer (kinda) - 1.11
5. BBL MAGNUM - 1.05
6. FUT yetujey - 1.05
7. GX westside - 1.01
8. M8 Minny - 1.00
9. KC Elite - 0.99
10. KOI MONSTEERR - 0.98
11. TH benjyfishy - 0.97
12. APK OLIZERA - 0.92

Average rating for Sentinel players - 1.049167

Flex

1. TH Wo0t - 1.22
2. KC Avez - 1.20
3. GX Flickless - 0.99
4. BBL sociablEE - 0.95
5. M8 kamyk - 0.94
6. TL paTiTek - 0.93
7. VIT KovaQ - 0.91
8. FNC Chronicle - 0.89
9. APK batujnax - 0.86
10. KOI nataNk - 0.85
11. FUT MrFaliN - 0.85
12. NAVI ANGE1 - 0.84

Average rating for Flex players - 0.9525

Average player rating for each team rounded to 3 digits

1. Team Liquid - 1.12
2. Team Heretics - 1.05
3. NAVI - 1.04
4. BBL - 1.03
5. Karmine Corp - 1.03
6. FNATIC - 1.02
7. GiantX - 1.00
8. FUT - 0.97
9. Team Vitality - 0.97
10. Gentles Mates - 0.96
11. KOI - 0.91
12. APEKS - 0.91

Meteor back to Gen.G once his contract expires will cause the rapture

G2 do what they do best and violently molest teams that are approximately 17 tier gaps below them in Ascension

Modern Bring Me the Horizon is kinda like a mix of emo and metal

Obviously MCR the peak of emo rock music

And underrated one is Surf Curse who I really like

MOUZ to franchising over GX, yay or nay?

Iso, Yoru, Astra, Viper Fade

Post Human: Survival Horror + Post Human: NeX Gen by Bring Me the Horizon are 2 absolutely peak EP's

Bro's not familiar with the funniest power scaling trend ever

I ended up as a speaker for vlr podcast, my ass is unemployment final boss

"Where you goin' Furia? Daddy wants more Champ points"

SiuFatBB simply throwing to barely scrape into Champs based on points just for maximum aura farm when they go on a run and win

Unless Chronicle magically becomes available and they swap him for paTiTek, then nah. That's honestly the only upgrade I think they could make without imports

https://www.vlr.gg/pickem/db092aae

I'm cooking chat no?

Nah top 3 for me gotta be Juicy, Spring and MiniBoo

It doesn't show in the slightest tho

Only one I can think of is 2021 CR and I'm genuinely serious

Actually come to think of it that's the perfect analogy for Furia

They genuinely look like a random team that exited the groups of Masters Berlin 0-2 that time travelled to 2025

FalleN could IGL better than Urango without even knowing what any of the abilities do or what the maps are like LMAO

I was just typing out a joke thread titled "Every T2 team better than Furia" where I was listing literally every team from a VCL event and like 3/4ths of the way through I accidentally clicked the side button on my mouse which went back to the previous page on Chrome I'm so annoyed fml

Bro's gonna get like $10 returns cuz no one is betting on Furia bro

Unironically a better roster in the modern day

Not even a map, I genuinely think it's physically impossible for them to make double digit rounds

If the org wheeled out the CS roster and forced them to play without any prior preparation they would probably look at least 10x better

Imagine how painful it must be making it in your dream job of esports pro only to end up living in a shithole like LA solely so you can humiliate yourself once a week and have to turn up every game because of your contract