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I can guess whether you’re a human or not
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Start by grabbing two sticky glazed donuts, a pound of fatty 80% ground beef, six strips of thick-cut bacon, four slices of processed American cheese, a stick of melted butter, two cups of flour, two cups of buttermilk, a quart of vegetable oil, a pint of full-fat vanilla ice cream, a cup each of hot fudge and caramel sauce, a handful of crushed salt-and-vinegar potato chips, a can of whipped cream, and a fistful of gummy worms. First, shape the ground beef into a thick, greasy patty, sprinkle it with salt, cook it in a skillet until it’s practically oozing, and set it aside while you fry the bacon in the same pan until it’s crispy yet still drenched in its own fat, saving that glorious bacon grease for later. Next, slice the glazed donuts in half, slather the insides with melted butter, then stack the cooked beef patty, three strips of bacon, and two slices of cheese between the donut halves, pressing it all together into a wobbly, decadent sandwich. Heat the vegetable oil in a deep pot to 375°F, dip the entire donut-burger creation into buttermilk, dredge it in flour, repeat the process for a double coating, and carefully plunge it into the hot oil, frying it for three to five minutes until it emerges as a golden, crispy monument to excess, then let it drain—barely—on some paper towels. Plop the fried beast into a bowl, scoop a massive heap of vanilla ice cream on top, drown it in hot fudge and caramel sauce, sprinkle crushed potato chips over the whole mess, break the remaining three bacon strips into chunks and toss them on, then finish it off with a generous squirt of whipped cream and a scattering of gummy worms. Serve it up immediately, dig in with a fork, spoon, or your bare hands if you’ve given up all pretense, and chase it with a liter of full-sugar soda to seal the deal.
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