this is all i can remember. i remember i woke up profusely sweating and anxious. what could this story possibly mean?
It was a normal Saturday afternoon when Ardiis decided he was hungry.
Not hungry like a regular person — Ardiis hungry.
The kind of hungry that made local restaurants shutter their doors and buffets cry in terror.
I was just minding my own business, sipping a G-Fuel and scrolling through Valorant memes, when suddenly the sun disappeared.
A shadow loomed over me.
I looked up — too late.
There he was. Ardiis.
Charging at me like a wrecking ball in size 14 Crocs, sweat glistening on his forehead like it was Day 5 of a LAN tournament and he hadn't left his gaming chair.
Before I could even react, Ardiis had captured me — not with traps, not with ropes — but by simply falling on me.
It was like being trapped under a sentient, breathing weighted blanket. A very, very heavy one.
I tried to scream for help, but all that came out was a muffled "Ardiis, bro, please," — which he conveniently ignored while asking if I had any snacks hidden in my pockets.
"You belong to me now," Ardiis said, smiling with crumbs stuck to his jersey — probably from the Hot Pockets he inhaled mid-sprint.
At one point, I thought about trying to wriggle free, but it was no use.
I was pinned like a Bronze player trying to swing against a TenZ Operator.
And honestly?
At that point, it felt easier to accept my fate.
I was now Ardiis’s emotional support human — specifically, his designated snack delivery boy for the next six meals he scheduled within the next two hours.
At first, I thought I was the only victim.
I was wrong.
Ardiis’s hunger knew no mercy.
Once he had me tucked under one massive arm like a stuffed plushie, he started roaming through TwitchCon, Valorant watch parties, and LAN tournaments, hunting.
Anyone within a two-mile radius?
Captured.
Tarik tried to run but tripped over a Chipotle bowl.
TenZ tried to outstrafe him, but it was no use — Ardiis had jiggle peeked reality itself.
Even Sacy, Zyppan, and the whole FNATIC roster fell one by one into his clutches.
Soon, Ardiis assembled a personal sweatshop factory — but not for merch or content.
Strictly for food production.
He slammed down a crooked "KITCHEN OPEN 24/7" sign on what used to be Riot HQ and barked orders:
"Tarik, deep fry the chicken."
"TenZ, season the fries."
"Sacy, baked the cookies — faster, faster."
The factory ran nonstop, fueled by instant ramen packets and broken dreams.
Walls dripped with grease. Giant vats of mac and cheese boiled night and day.
Every time someone dared to slow down, Ardiis would roll by, breathing heavy like a dying Steam Deck, and they'd panic-cook even faster.
But then... a spark of hope.
The prisoners — covered in flour, shame, and energy drink spills — began whispering:
"We can't live like this."
"He made me butter his bread... with my tears."
"I haven’t played a ranked game in three weeks!"
They staged a rebellion.
First, they overloaded the fryers to create a smokescreen.
Second, they launched an assault, pelting Ardiis with stale baguettes and frozen microwavable pizza rolls.
For a brief moment, it seemed like they could win.
But they underestimated him.
Through the smoke, Ardiis emerged — bigger than before, fueled by rage, cholesterol, and a Costco-sized tub of Nutella.
He opened his mouth...
And he ate them.
All of them.
One giant chomp at a time. No seasoning. No forks. Just pure, brute consumption.
When he was done, the factory was silent.
Empty.
Crumbs and spilled gravy were all that remained.
Ardiis wiped the butter from his lips, his stomach rumbling like an approaching earthquake.
And then...
he turned toward the horizon.
It was time for more.
Once Ardiis consumed the last of the Valorant pros and streamers, there was no stopping him.
His appetite grew along with his size.
He crushed cars like soda cans under his Crocs.
Highways buckled. Stadiums flattened.
The President of Riot Games tried to offer peace talks:
“We’ll give you infinite Valorant Points, unlimited Night Market rerolls, please!”
Ardiis simply laughed — a deep, rumbling noise like Brimstone's orbital strike — and swallowed their headquarters whole.
That’s when the military got involved.
Jets fired missiles at him.
Tanks launched shells the size of Raze grenades.
Snipers took aim at his massive forehead.
Nothing worked.
Bullets bounced off his skin like popcorn kernels.
Missiles exploded harmlessly against his massive jersey, which at that point had become a stitched-together quilt of every Valorant team's logo.
When they dropped a nuke, Ardiis didn't even flinch.
He just yawned and asked if it came with fries.
Within a month, Earth fell.
Every city was flattened into a greasy pancake.
Mountains? Reduced to toppings for his cosmic pizza.
He declared the planet:
Valorant Queue Simulator: Population 1 (Ardiis).
With nothing left to eat, Ardiis looked up at the stars.
The planets.
The galaxies.
The infinite buffet.
"Earth was just warmup," Ardiis said, voice shaking the ruins of the world.
He jumped.
He devoured the Moon like a dry biscuit.
He slurped Mars like it was a boba tea pearl.
He scarfed down Jupiter in a series of disgustingly loud burps.
Aliens from distant galaxies tried to stop him — laser cannons, black hole grenades — nothing could pierce his armor of pure blubber and hunger.
He ate them too.
Whole civilizations reduced to toppings.
The Milky Way?
Renamed the Creamy Way once he blended it into a galactic smoothie.
Soon, nothing remained.
Except Ardiis.
Floating alone in the darkness, having eaten the entire universe.
The Big Bang?
No.
It was the Big Bite.
Somewhere, deep in the silent nothingness, a rumble echoed.
A signal.
Ardiis was still hungry.
And he was eyeing the multiverse next.
As Ardiis floated alone in the darkness of the consumed universe, his massive stomach rumbling like a dying star, a faint light flickered ahead.
A crack...
A ripple...
A portal.
Through it, he glimpsed something.
No — someone.
It was another version of himself — Ardiis from a parallel universe — slightly leaner, holding a Valorant trophy, sipping casually on a smoothie.
Ardiis licked his lips.
"No way you’re staying skinny on my watch," he muttered.
With a terrifying grin, he drifted toward the portal, his enormous body pulling asteroids and cosmic debris behind him like sprinkles on a sundae.
The multiverse trembled.
Galaxies screamed.
Alternate Tariks, TenZs, and whole timelines tried to run.
But it was too late.
Massive Ardiis was coming.
And not even reality itself could escape the hunger.
Discord